I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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