I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
