Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
