How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
