If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
