Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
