My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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