gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
