I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
