Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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