my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Randomize
