There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
