i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
