A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
