you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
