remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
