Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
