Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
