I'm so fucking centered right now
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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