I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
