Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
