Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
