Where are you?
In a non slutty way
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
