she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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