DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
