I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
