my phone needs a breathalizer
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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