You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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