It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
