By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
