I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I need to calm my uterus...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
