wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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