I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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