Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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