but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Every concussion has its silver lining
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Randomize
