ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
