Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
