I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
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These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
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It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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