The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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