I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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