So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
