Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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