dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
