So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
