just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
