worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
