Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
How's work?
Spinning.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
