my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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