Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
