last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
