I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
