i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
