My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
