I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
