Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize