Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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