I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
