Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
