omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
